


Wayfinder

by Darkest_Day



Series: From Stars [5]
Category: Destiny (Video Game)
Genre: Companion Piece, F/M, Letter-style, M/M, Pure background information & extra details, canon character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-29
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2019-02-08 10:38:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12862779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Darkest_Day/pseuds/Darkest_Day
Summary: "—so when the Red Legion attacked I lost a lot of my journals. You know how I write to you a lot - or I guess you don't. Doesn't matter. Look, the point is that one of the ones I lost in the attack was rounded up and put back together again for me. It's in pieces and I'm missing years and years of it but a large chunk of my life is back. Lately I've been forgetting some of those little details. Most of it's about Andal Brask, and as glad as I am to have this the timing seems poor. Why do I have to start remembering a dead man, Ace, just when I finally get around to putting it all behind me?—"





	Wayfinder

**Author's Note:**

> Most of this follows the details of All in All (http://archiveofourown.org/works/12698901) then covers a whole lot of years up to the House of Wolves era of Destiny. This is all sorts of stuff that didn't make it into any of the main works, a bunch of references that explain things and hint to more. Think of this as more of a point of reference, I thought it best to keep it on its own as an optional read rather than a chapter.

—I've spent some time in the City, helped them with a couple battles. You know me, not really one to just let innocent people get hurt. Saw some of the Vanguard in action, didn't stick around long enough to catch any names though. So anyway, I haven't spent a lot of time there so I only just found out that there's a hunter who acts as part of the Vanguard. Can you believe it, Ace? A hunter who willingly traps himself in that Tower, I can't believe it.

—remember that Vanguard I told you about? Found out his name and looked him up. Holy shit, Ace, this guy is intense. He's a Nightstalker, but get this – everyone's saying he was the first Nightstalker. That Bow is pretty rare out here anyway but this guy might've been the first one, now I don't know if that's true or not but it's still a crazy concept. Y'know, if this guy was out in the wilds instead of stuck up there I don't think there'd be anything left of the bad guys.

—ran into a Nightstalker named Tevis, he trained under this guy personally a few years back. Said the two of them went out into the field and he taught him how to take the bow from the void. Said he was a real nice guy, humble, down to earth, smokes like a chimney and can place a bullet between the first and second eye on the left side of a Dreg without even stopping to think about it. Honestly, Ace? I'm terrified of this guy and you know I don't scare easy.  

—went to the Tower and got a look at him today. Tall, thin, real narrow fingers. Dark hair all tucked into his hood, had this little smile on his face too. You'd never guess how scary he was just by looking at him, but he is pretty easy on the eyes. He could probably level this whole Tower with just a grenade. Okay, fine, I'm exaggerating, but only by a little. You know I don't exaggerate that much.

—well, Ace, I totally screwed up. I actually met him, know how I told you about that bet I lost? Well, decided to go roll in some mud because I really hate pink, but anyway, walked up to this Vanguard and shook his hand covered in sludge and ran my mouth like the idiot I am. I'm starting to wonder if this guy might be part warlock, or at least spent a lot of time with them. Y'know how warlocks use Light for magic tricks? This guy can do that too, I've never known a hunter who could. He put some solar Light inside my hand, strangest feeling ever. But maybe it's not too weird, you know those Praxic warlocks? They're warlocks who act like titans, so I guess this isn't that strange.

—I know this isn't the kind of thing I should be sharing with you. But the real truth? I don't remember you, Ace, and I know I've written that a few times before. I've got a feeling you're never gonna read this anyway, so I might cut loose a little because I've got a feeling this is gonna go badly. Real badly. Went back to the Tower again and he called out to me, he remembered me. Though I guess I'd be surprised if he hadn't after the performance I put on.

—I'm not gonna go back to the Tower. Seems this guy has had me on my mind as much as I've had him on my mind. He cornered me in a hallway and I drew my gun and all I can think of is how much I'd like him to – uh, let's just say I don't even want to put into words all the things I'd like to do to him. His voice does things to me, I think I blew a fuse right there.

—it took awhile but I finally found a couple Guardians who knew him more than just by name. They confirmed what I already knew. This guy doesn't do anything halfway. I know I'm pretty flaky, and I know I shouldn't get myself into this. I know he wants me and I know I want him too but there's no way I'd be enough. I can't even compare to him. I know I'm good but he'd probably crush me with just a look, I just can't be the other half of anyone, I'm barely good at keeping myself in one piece.

—I never told you his name, did I? All this time talking about him and I never even mentioned it. He's Andal Brask, and he's so far out of my league we aren't even in the same damn ocean. I've got no hope to be enough for someone like him. I gave in though. Twice, actually. Out in public, too, now don't get me wrong I'm not opposed to a bit of risky business now and again but this guy doesn't even care that the place is crawling with Guardians and probably security cameras. Wow, though, because I've never had any other one-offs as good as that. I mean it this time, Ace, I'm staying away. I can't get involved with someone like him, I'm not made for this.

—okay get this, I'm on Io setting up a few more of my treasure stashes and guess who I find? Andal Brask, just sitting in this clearing with his Ghost hanging around looking all worried. He's totally unresponsive and I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about just walking away. Not that I wanted to, but because I felt like I had to. He's meditating or something, but I sat with him and his Ghost connected me to the Vanguard and Zavala – that titan I told you about – told me I wasn't supposed to leave him. So I haven't. It's been almost an entire day and he hasn't moved, I keep checking on him to make sure he's still breathing.

—I gave in again, Ace, and I don't think I'm gonna be able to deny it anymore. He got me right where he wants me and I don't think I want to leave it. He's off doing Vanguard things and I'm here in his room waiting for him to get back. I know I can't stay here in the City for long, but I think I could come around more often just to see him. Think it'd work?

—Not sure how this happened because I don't get lucky. Anyone I've ever liked has ended up falling for someone else, y'know? Seems like I'm just unlucky in love. But then here Andal comes around and I'm just in awe. How can one person be this damned perfect? Okay, I know he isn't perfect, I'm totally looking through those rose-tinted lenses, but he's still pretty close. I'm a bit handsy and he's told me off a few times for getting all over him in public. Well, he either tells me off or hauls me off out of sight somewhere, so I'm gonna keep pushing all of his buttons.

—Zavala _really_ likes to yell at me. But I think he enjoys it. You ever feel so stressed and uptight that you've gotta just let it all out? That's Zavala, he's always so high strung, he always looks like he's got a headache splitting his skull. I egged him on by accident – yes, by accident – and after he was done yelling at me he actually looked somewhat normal, maybe even relaxed. So I started bothering him on purpose whenever he looked too stressed out, seemed to do him some good and I know that none of what I do is that bad anyway.

—Amanda Holliday is dating some scumbag. You'd like Amanda, Ace, she's the greatest. It's great when she yells at some idiot who doesn't know what he's doing, she gets so riled up but she's the sweetest girl you'd ever meet so long as you're not making her life difficult. But anyway, I'm pretty sure that if I don't kill this guy myself, Andal will.

—Andal and I went off to Phobos to kill some things for old Rodger-2, he offered to teach me the void but, I'll be honest, my head is fucked enough. I really don't need to add the void to my list of ailments. Sometimes Andal looks really far away though, I'm worried about him when he does that until he catches me staring and gives me that great big smile of his. I'll admit, I'd much rather sleep with him on every moon and planet than learn how to draw the Dusk Bow. I swear I wasn't an exhibitionist until I met him.

—don't get me wrong, Ace, I really do like Ikora. I think she's great, but she won't stop talking sometimes. Andal was off in a meeting and Zavala was doing some strike thing and I asked Ikora what they were serving for breakfast – all I wanted to know is if they had those nice little egg things that came with these weird leaves on top and I don't even know if you're supposed to eat the leaves or not, but I do. Anyway, she turned my question into an hour-long long lecture so I actually did miss breakfast. And they were serving the things with the leaves. I think she knew what she was doing because she kept smirking all day. I'll get her back for this, I know how much she likes her tea.

—word of advice, Ace, do not challenge Ikora to any of the Hunter Games. Ever. She will win and you will hurt.

—If you'd told me years ago that I would be willingly gong to the City all the time I would have asked you which Thrall knocked you in the head that hard so I could go kill it for you because you've clearly been compromised. But here I am, spending more time here than out there. Sometimes I look at him and think 'should I tell him how I feel?' But then he looks at me and he smiles like I'm the reason there's still Light in this world and I know I'm just a robot and all but I'm sure he can see it from me too. I don't think I've gotta tell him I love him, if I did he would probably roll his eyes at me or something, tell me I've gone soft. I'd probably do the same to him though if he tried to tell me.

—Andal has no fear of anything. I'm stunned, I just watched him bet a hundred thousand glimmer on something I could swear he was about to lose. I know damn well he didn't have that much glimmer saved up, Ace, I keep thinking that I'm gonna have to throw in the last of what I've got too so he doesn't get royally wrecked by the Collection Titans. The crazy thing? He won. Walked off with an extra hundred thousand glimmer like it was nothing. This guy is still terrifying, I'm just lucky he's on my side.

—I asked him why he had a spade on his shoulder. He said it was for luck, pre-Golden Age soldiers used to stick Ace of Spade cards into their helmets. He never struck me as the type to need luck when he's as well trained as he is. But it got me thinking, I use cards to remember people and things that are important to me. What card would I choose for Andal if I ever ended up getting another reboot?

—I know a bit about the cards, Ace, I'm nowhere near a reboot but I've been thinking anyway. The Ace's are the most powerful cards. Only makes sense they'd be for each Vanguard. Ikora's the Ace of Clubs, that's for sure. She's always reading something, she always wants to learn more and sometimes she just looks at me like she isn't even using half her brain on me. That one was an easy one

—Zavala is the Ace of Diamonds. He's all hardworking and a pretty good leader and likes to protect people. I provoke him to yell at me because he needs some stress relief sometimes, in the end he is a good guy. He's always trying to prove he can do the best job out of anyone, I asked Ikora and she told me that because he has the role of Commander he feels like he has to be the best, and I get it. He cares deeply, too, for Ikora and Andal. I don't think that deep care extends to me but I don't think he dislikes me either.

—Andal is really grabby when he's drunk. That Nightstalker I mentioned, Tevis, he came to the Tower and we went down to the lounge and had a couple drinks with him. It was a really good night, Ace, I'm shocked at what my life has actually become. I was always just alone! Okay, not alone, but I never stuck around anywhere for too long. Never spent too much time with one person for longer than a little while. I've got a lot of friends and I've got a lot more I'm close to and even more than that who hate me because I've screwed them out of something. But this? Coming round to the Tower all the time to see one person? That's not like me.

—He finally convinced me to try the Dusk Bow, and let me tell you! No thanks. I wasn't, and I'm not, scared of the void. You can't even pick it up if you're scared of it, so you know I'm not lying. I just took a little sip of it and it's a lot to handle. Takes a lot of work to push it out of your head once you pick it up. I get why Voidwalkers struggle so much now. But he showed me a few things about the Golden Gun, even arc too. I might not be the best listener but I'm a quick learner if I actually want to learn something, and he did (fuck me against a tree – [scribbled out]) never mind, he taught me a few things.

—we went out again the next day and he showed me how to amplify solar Light. Yesterday he just told me all about the theory behind it, that the Light is everywhere and in all places. Today was the practise. I'm not gonna say that Ikora is anything other than great when she tells you something but I just don't have the patience to listen for that long, but I could listen to Andal explain things to me for hours. Maybe it's in part because I keep staring at his mouth, not sure how I can even concentrate when that's all I'm thinking about.

—I keep thinking about the Vault of Glass. Could I get in there and find a way back to you, Ace? Maybe I could save you, maybe I could just find out who you are. I could even just learn who I was, all my memories could be found again. I told Andal about it and he looked pretty worried and told me it wasn't a good idea. I know he's right, but I can't stop thinking about it. What if I could?

—The Vanguard has got really busy, I'm super bored. There's an influx of Hive and I can't help but wonder if something's coming. And I know it's been a really long time, a few years maybe, since I've written. Doesn't matter, Andal is pulling doubles and normally I'd just leave again – y'know, do my thing. But he looks so tired sometimes, he's got these bags under his eyes that seem to be getting worse. He won't tell me what's happening, he just tells me he'd tired and can't sleep. I know insomnia is a pretty common hunter thing but.. am I worrying too much?

—Andal stopped breathing in his sleep. Woke up before him, couldn't sleep much myself, and he was squirming like he was in pain. It was weird, he just stopped breathing after exhaling for a long time, like whatever he was fighting with ended up getting him and dragging him under. I woke him up in a panic, he told me he's fine. I'm not so sure he is. Whatever's happening, he won't tell me.

—he collapsed today, Ace, got him to his room and when he woke up he said he hadn't been able to sleep lately. Is that all? I can't help but feel like there's more to it, Ace, what isn't he telling me?

—things seem to be going back to normal but I'm still worried. Every time I go out I'm just hunting for a solution, even just something to help him sleep. Maybe I'm becoming a softie, like Amanda teases me. We went out today, time just kept going by and he was busy so we hadn't done too much fieldwork. We went off to some orange dust place on Earth, pretty barren, a desert I think. Not much out here so I never went that far. But anyway, he showed me how to light my own gun rather than just summon one. Said that the heat itself could be channelled into Light, never thought of that myself. Had trouble lighting the gun up, ended up getting it with his help.

—We went to Mercury, I've never seen him wear a helmet until now. Out in the heat with the sun so close it was a lot easier to light up my own gun, seemed easier to harness. Once I was able to do it myself a few times he challenged me, we had a few battles out there with our Ghosts ready for revives. He used arc as a shield and challenged me to break through it. It took me a couple tries, but I broke it eventually. Then we went to kill some Vex and and I think I'll keep trying it this way. Feels hotter in my hands when I use my own. 

—I'm heading out today, got a lead on someone that has something that'll help Andal sleep, it's just across the ocean, not far. I could just jump there but I'll probably soar over the water, I like doing that. Something about the open ocean is calming, and depending on how risky I wanna be I can create a pretty cool wake behind me.

—been awhile since I wrote, sorry Ace. Things have got bad, I don't feel much up to talking about it. But.. it started. Soon I'll be reading this and I'm not gonna remember writing it, let alone doing it.

—all the times this has happened and I don't think I've ever explained the process. Sometimes it's really fast, this one is slow. My Ghost and I have a protocol to, well, she leads me to a couple pieces of myself. Important ones, it helps me figure out who I am again. Look, so, phase 1 is when the misfires start. Memories start getting shuffled, gets harder to recall specifics. Still can, it just takes a bit more work. Phase 2 the memories just start to vanish. I don't know if they get deleted or if they just get archived somewhere in my head. Phase 3 is when short-term memory becomes an issue. Kinda like phase 1 but with everything that happened recently. This is when I've gotta start using the cards to remember anyone I care about if I haven't already. I'll lose it if I don't. I don't know if I've remembered what a card means, but I know I've always understood the significance. Phase 4 is quick, it's just preparation for phase 5. And 5 is when it happens. My personality resets to whatever my default version of me is and.. my memories reboot and I add another number to my name. I forget everything. In that last phase I try to write down whatever triggered this whole thing, so whatever happened out there I'll try to drudge up.

I'm not ready for this, Ace, I just have to hope I'm still gonna care about these people.

—found a card for him. Ace of Hearts. Strong personality, enjoys his own company with a couple exceptions. Notoriety through hard work. Everything he's ever done has been through this kind of drive I didn't know hunters were capable of. Zavala is still Diamonds. Ikora is still Clubs. But I keep thinking, the suits are the same but Zavala seems more like a King, suits him better. Ikora suits the Queen way more too. As much as I egg them on and annoy them, I've got a whole lotta respect for them. I think I'm getting into phase 2, I know I'm going into the cards early but. I guess I'm just trying to resist. I wish I could make this stop. I haven't told Andal yet, but, I think he knows.

—I broke his wrist. A misfire. This is going too fast, I want to spend all my time with him before I reboot but he looks at me and I can see there's so much he isn't saying. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was sitting with Amanda out on the rooftop and I didn't want to bug them. I guess I'm glad he's talking to someone. I'm annoyed he's going to someone else instead of me but, well, it's probably about me. 

—Never thought I'd spend so much time here. Never thought I'd like someone so much I'd be okay with sticking around in the City and this Tower. I'm tired of writing. I ended up getting overwhelmed today in the middle of a sandstorm on Mars and reset a couple times. I know I shouldn't be leaving so often, but I can't bring myself to stay around there all the time even if I know it would be better if I did. But lately Andal has seemed to cheer up a bit. He still looks so tired but he seems a little happier. He's even been a bit more open with his affection. Remind me to thank Amanda for whatever she talked to him about, Ace.

—Vanguard Dare. So far, Zavala has yelled at me three times, Ikora has told me off four times (but three of those times sounded affectionate). I love these guys but I really couldn't do this all the time. Andal is about to win this damn Dare.

—Andal Brask is dead. I'm the hunter Vanguard. Ace? This has to be a joke.

—They've hung up his banners, his flag, in the Tower. Black as coal with the markings he had on his cloak. I know people die all the time, I've seen enough people die all around me to know this, but I had to hear this one, Ace, I had to listen to his last breath. I don't know how to think anymore. Everyone's mourning and I can't help but be angry about this whole thing. He wasn't supposed to leave. If I'd known this was going to happen I wouldn't have agreed to it. I keep restarting, it's like I've been washed up on the beach all over again.

—got Amanda to take me to his body. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. His Ghost was all crushed into his chest. I almost brought her or his body back with me but, a hunter's death out in the field means they stay there. There's a Code. But I took his cloak. I took his scarf. I might be broken but I'm going to carry his name, I'm not even half the man he was but the weight of this is always going to remind me to at least try. Always. This is isn't a promise, this is a vow.

I'm sitting with her on the moon and she's got her head on my shoulder as I write this. His cloak still smells like him, like smoke. Nothing else I can do right now but keep going.

—The realigning is slowing. Haven't had a misfire in weeks. I've been going crazy and every time I see this cloak on my back it hurts, I want to break down again whenever I catch a glimpse of it. But I should talk about this, just so I don't forget. Because in my worst moments, the other Vanguard were here for me. No matter how much I annoy them or they annoy me, they were here and I can't ever forget that. I had to listen to Andal's last breath. I don't know how to come back from that. I drew my gun and went to charge out there, see if I could have saved him even though I knew it was too late. Zavala tackled me to the floor, kept me pinned. Pretty sure I broke a few of my limbs trying to fight him, maybe some of his too. Pretty sure my torn knuckles drew blood but he didn't even flinch, he just kept me sane until I shut down for awhile. Woke up in Ikora's bed, she took care of me from then on. She got next to me and put her arm around me and just let me start grieving. I needed that. There isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him.

—The process is reversing. I didn't know it could, but I do know it'll never really stop. If I play it carefully I won't lose everything. Maybe it's the stability, I don't know. Haven't had the heart to ask Amanda what she and Andal talked about. Not that I have a real heart anyway, you know what I mean. I can't shake this from my head, his Ghost, did he..? No, he couldn't.

—I'm thinking about the Vault again. If I went there and.. maybe I could save him. Maybe I could bring him back. Prevent his death and keep him safe. Or go back to myself over the ocean, stop myself from flying over it. But I guess the fact that I haven't seen myself before means I'm never going to do it. I don't really understand it, I guess, which is why this whole thing isn't a good idea. I'd give anything to have him back, he's everywhere in this Tower. Sometimes I can still hear his voice.

—I left the Tower on my own last night. Went to the Vault. Couldn't get the doors open, I need a team. Blew up a bunch of Vex outside of it and Zavala tore me a new one the next day. I know I deserved it, he's all about the rules and I can't really be mad about it. They're worried about me.

—The whole Vanguard Dare thing has been on my mind lately. It seemed so unofficial, it didn't seem like the actual Dare should be, there was no real challenge to it. It was like Andal called it the Vanguard Dare just because he was part of the Vanguard. I was only supposed to take his place for a day. Something's just weird about this whole thing, it's supposed to rope someone else into being the Vanguard lead, not just a bet between friends. Andal spoke like he had every intention of coming back that night, except for the one thing he said right before he left. But maybe..? Official records state that he was murdered by Taniks, but no one really knows what happened down there.

—I'm an exo, I've been over every single scenario in my head a whole bunch of times but none of this adds up. Maybe he got loose with his tongue, called it the official Dare by accident. But Andal's too smart for that. The one conclusion that keeps coming to me was that he planned this, he wanted to trap me here in the Tower. And with trillions of possibilities always going off in my head at once? Usually when I get to one conclusion it means I'm right. I don't want to be right, feels like betrayal if he did this to me on purpose. I don't want to be here, I never wanted to be part of the Vanguard, I'm not as powerful as the others and most of the time it seems like I'm just wasting their time. If he loved me, why would he set the shackles and chains and leave me here? But it helped, the reboot is going away so I can't even be all that angry.

—I'm gonna stop trying to figure it out, Ace, I don't think it's worth knowing. The simple truth now is that he's gone and I'm here getting my worry on about a bunch of young Guardians I've got no business directing. Amanda might know, she might be able to clear the air a bit. But I don't want to know any more, I want to remember him as who he was – not the man who both betrayed me and saved me on the same day.

—It's been awhile since I wrote. Sorry, Ace, there's just not much new to tell you when every day is the same. And I feel awful, but there's something about Zavala that's beginning to eat me up. I know I shouldn't feel bad, Andal's been gone a long time now. We're immortal, as long as our Light isn't drained and our Ghosts are okay, I can't live all centuries mourning one person. I'll always remember him but, I can move on, right? Andal, is that okay?

—It's been a decade. Maybe more. Probably more, I've stopped paying attention. Every year that passes is another year I'm reminded. I want to gather a team and kill Taniks, I've been sending scouts to track him down but we haven't had any luck. Either he's dead or he's in hiding. I should have gone to take him out when I had the chance. Maybe that's what's been holding me back. It's all guilt when I think of the possibility of moving on, so maybe his killer has to die first. 

—Craziest thing happened. I thought I'd maybe try some liquid courage, y'know? See if I could get a few drinks in Zavala and get him to loosen up. Zavala left after maybe two drinks so it was just me and Ikora, staying up late, drinking together. Didn't even dare to challenge her to any Hunter Games, but there was no one else around and I think the sun was starting to come up and we were both drunk It's a bit of a haze, but she took my hand and brought me to her room and I kinda slept with Ikora. Woke up sometime in the afternoon in her bed and she was nowhere to be seen. She pretended it had never happened, only smirked at me with that look she gets.

—A new Guardian came around, this little awoken hunter. I gave her a challenge and she came back grinning. She even got Zavala looking pleased, so things are looking up.

—She took her team into the Vault and they emerged victoriously. I don't know what to think, I'm mad and I'm hurt but I'm okay with how things turned out. Came to terms with the fact that Andal's gone and that maybe this was all intentional, losing my life or worse down there seems like an insult to him. It's better she did it, not me, but I'm still a bit sore about it.

—it's strange, I've been flirting with him for months now and he's always just brushed me off but now I've caught him smiling at me. How weird is that? Maybe I'm just growing on him. Might have slept with Ikora a few more times, too, she's always putting me down but it feels like she's doing it because she likes me and knows I enjoy egging people on, she matches my best and usually comes out on top.

—that Guardian I told you about killed Taniks. Couldn't bring myself to say anything when they went in, I was sitting out on the grass out back listening in and kinda leaning on Zavala because I felt pretty weak. I just needed the support and I think he got that, I hadn't intended it to have any kind of intent. But Taniks is dead, finally. A chapter of my life has officially ended and maybe it's time to start a new journal, this one's got too many painful memories. Now that his murderer is dead, well, I don't have anything holding me back; maybe I'll keep trying to see what I can get out of Zavala. I still miss him sometimes but it's been a long time, I'm getting close to having served a full Vanguard term now. I guess before this I wasn't sure if I was really ready to move on, there's Ikora but everything about us is casual. But I listened to that Guardian kill Taniks, I couldn't describe how that felt. Relief. Anger. Bitterness. Maybe I should have been the one to do it but I'd probably let my emotions get the best of me and do something stupid. But in the end, after all these years, this is closure. I'll see you in the next book, Ace. 

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go, guys. Here we go.


End file.
